You're so nebulous sometimes
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
