Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Randomize
