i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
