when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
