I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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