Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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