Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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