im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize