wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
