he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
