On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
