first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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