you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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