Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
