you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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