Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
