I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
