i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
