Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Randomize
