my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
