I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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