i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
