It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
