so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
