I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
