What a fucking waste of an outfit
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Randomize
