I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
