I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
