Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
