babies were throwing up all over the place
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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