like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
