i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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