Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
that's an acceptable place to lick
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
