The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
