Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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