i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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