You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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