my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
