Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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