cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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