My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
