I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
