It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
