My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
