I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
