I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
