I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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