I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize