I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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