There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize