my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
operation have a gay friend backfired
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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