Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
