WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
