I think I died a long time ago.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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