He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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