She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
