We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize