remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
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