So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Did I show you my penis last night?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
