according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
