I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
