I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
