if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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