VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
