This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
